[Hanna]

[little_duck]

Prim stands outside the door to Hanna's apartment, smoothing out her skirt. While she knows that Hanna would never turn her away, Prim has a hard time shaking the shyness of her childhood. As usual, she takes a deep breath and knocks. Some of the butterflies in her stomach, she knows, are just a side-effect of seeing her friend-- a happy kind of nervous, really.

There's a small, carefully wrapped box in her messenger bag that she hasn't given to Hanna yet. It had taken her a while to find exactly what she wanted to give Hanna, and then a little longer to have it put on a proper chain.

Shifting the bag on her shoulder, she waits for the door to open.

Comments

[beautyof_form]

Before, the kisses had been nice. Sweet and warm and exciting, but this one tugged at her in a way that the others hadn't. She pressed into it more deeply, her long fingers curling around the back of Prim's neck. When she came up for air, it was to whisper, softly, "I need to tell you something."

[little_duck]

Prim opens her eyes slightly. Had she done it wrong?

"What do you need to tell me?" she whispers back. It had been such a perfect moment, but she has that sense of foreboding in her stomach. That feeling has yet to be proven wrong.

[beautyof_form]

"I..." she began, realizing she had no idea how to word something like this. It should've been simple, right? Straightforward. But she found herself wavering, uncertain what Prim's reaction might be.

"I had sexual intercourse with someone. With a friend. A boy."

[little_duck]

Prim draws back, confusion written in her features. "You had sex?" Innocent as she might seem, Prim knows what it means, and what it means for the two of them. "With a boy." Her stomach absolutely drops out, and she pushes further back on the couch, drawing into herself.

She doesn't have the right words, she finds, to say what she's feeling-- that is, if she can figure out what she's feeling. "Do you like him? Is he your boyfriend now?"

[beautyof_form]

"No. He's only a friend," Hanna said, fully and completely honest. "I went to a doctor, and she told me I can never have children. Afterward, she gave me condoms and told me all these things about sex, and I... I wanted to know what it would be like."

[little_duck]

"And I could never show you that," Prim says, her tone a bit dull. Her eyes grow hot with tears, and even though she knows that she's a bit of a crybaby, she's fighting to keep them away. "I..."

She stands up, blindly groping for her things.

"I'm sorry you can't have children," she says, chin wobbling.

[beautyof_form]

"But you could. I didn't... I didn't even think to ask until we were--" she cut herself off, knowing that providing detail might've been the worst thing she could've done, in that moment.

"We've only ever kissed and held hands, and none of the adults ever talk about how two girls do it, even though everyone knows they can."

[little_duck]

"Haven't you read any books?" asks Prim, before she can think it through. "I've... there are books. It's not the same but you can...." She shakes her head, backing away.

Something else bubbles up inside her, besides the hurt. It's red and hot.

"You just did it with some boy. Who is he?"

[beautyof_form]

"I have, but no one talks about it. They talk about everything else, in class, and the doctors give you condoms and talk about babies, and I didn't..." she cut herself off, her eyes squeezing shut against that look of pain Prim had on her face. "I'm sorry, Prim. I wanted to know what it was like. I'm glad I know what it's like. I'm not... I'm not sorry that I know, but I'm sorry that I've hurt you."

Shaking her head, she insisted, "It doesn't matter. He wasn't just some boy, he's my friend and I trust him, but it doesn't matter. He's only a friend."

[little_duck]

Prim can't remember being angry like this before; is this what it's like to be Katniss? No lives are in danger, and yet she feels like the world is crashing down around her again.

"So if I had a friend, a boy, and I decided to have sex with him, would it be okay with you?" The question doesn't even form fully in her head before it's out of her mouth. "Would you be glad if I did?" Maybe she should, she thinks. She wipes furiously at her eyes.

[beautyof_form]

"Would I be glad? No, I wouldn't be glad. You've never told me what I can and cannot do, and neither have I to you, and I don't... I don't believe I would be angry at you for doing something that was never forbidden," Hanna admitted, whether it was the right thing to say or not. "I... If I was meant to know not to do this, if you told me and I somehow didn't realize, I am sorry, Prim. I never wanted to hurt you. I didn't... I didn't know I could."

[little_duck]

"I thought..." Prim starts, but she doesn't know how to finish it. She scrubs at her eyes, starts making sure she has her things, moves towards the door. The words find her a second later. "I thought you might be happy with just me. I didn't know I should tell you not to do that."

Her mouth tugs as if in spasm. "I have to go," she says, voice breaking. "I have to go." Her hand finds the doorknob and turns, letting her stumble out into the hall. She starts running, and she doesn't stop until she's on a train, knees pulled up to her chest, sobbing.